Where I have been? All about Pregnancy so Far.. (long post)

I know it has been a while since I wrote on here. Well the short answer is I am pregnant! I have been SO tired and sick for the past 2 1/2 months. I have pretty much been sleeping all the time and I could barely sit up for any amount of time. I just found out that we are having a son! I am nervous and excited in equal parts. This is my first child. I love children but I'm not super into babies. I have always wanted to have children but I was not able to because of my mental and physical illnesses. We waited a lot longer than I would have wanted to, but it doesn't matter now. Right before I got pregnant I was actually looking into adopting from Korea or China's special needs program. (These children have disabilities but I was mostly interested in clef palette or lip, autism or albinism or learning disabilities) I did a lot of research and unfortunately it was just too expensive. The average adoption from these areas is 35,000$ or more. It was just a little too high for our family to afford. I have been feeling better for about a year and a half now, and my plan was to adopt early 2020. I was heartbroken and it was a very upsetting thing for me. But I realized I felt comfortable with possibly having my own children. But I also planned to start trying early 2020 if we decided we for sure wanted that.
 
I was more interested in adoption due to my mental illnesses, I was afraid a child I would have would possibly have schizophrenia and the thought of that was very hard on me. I have been talking to my psychologist and psychiatrist and they assure me, I will be able to help my child with any mental problems. They told me I will know what signs to look for, and I will be more sensitive to their needs. Obviously this is still a worry for me, and I question the fairness of bringing a child into that life. But this was not a planned pregnancy and I could never give him up. I am going to talk about my symptoms here in case someone is having these symptoms as well and need to know its normal and ok. Obviously most of you may not be interested in this, so just stop reading here.

Veganism and Diet

I have had weight and eating issues pretty much since I was very young. I had Pica as a young child, I had binge eating problems starting pretty early, and this led to me dealing with ED's most of my teen and adult life. I also am pretty unlucky in the fact that I gain weight very easily. My husband thought I was joking, but the longer we were together, the more he realized that I seriously have no metabolism. I have to eat very, very healthy and exercise very often to maintain my weight. I also take many medications, including anti-psychotics which are notorious for causing weight gain. I also have a weird thyroid and hyperglycemia. So it is the perfect storm for me being overweight. I would say I am not as eating disordered as I have been most of my life, but I still have issues with binging, craving sweets. I am proud of myself because I have not binged and purged since Summer 2017. I quit smoking about 6 years ago, and it was so much easier to keep the weight off when I smoked. also i'm only 5'2" so every bit of weight shows easily on me.

 So Summer 2018 I found myself more over weight than I have ever been, by a significant amount. I was morbidly obese, and I was so out of shape I could barely walk, I had asthma and I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. My skin was terrible, constantly covered with acne...which is very unusual for me. The only time I have had acne before was when I was 24 and it only lasted like 6 months. Part of the reason I got so unhealthy and fat was because I was in a really, really bad way mentally, I was on a lot of medication and I literally just laid on the couch or in bed almost all day. It was getting to the point that even if I went to my friends I would just pass out there. I'll go into more details about this at another time.Also I ate bad foods, sweets and delivery foods everyday. So anyways, Summer 2018 I found myself  in terrible health. I have blood tests quite often due to medication and they check all my levels. I was told that I was pre-diabetic and I really needed to take control of my health. I was very scared. I started to eat a little better.

In October 2017 I briefly tried to eat better, and I went Vegan for a month. I lost weight, felt healthier...but I went back to my old ways of binge eating pizza and sweets in November. In September 2018 I decided that I wanted to try to go mostly Vegan and seriously try to exercise as much as I could. I signed up for the 8fit app and got the vegan diet as my food choice. I have been a vegetarian on and off most of my life. When I was young I went Vegetarian, but ate meat again from 2003-2009 (I didn't eat a lot of meat then, but I did have it sometimes) In 2009 I got food poisoning from meat and decided I was just done. I have not eaten meat since. I originally became interested in Veganism in the earl;y 2000's but it was too difficult at the time for me, things are so much easier now.  I haven't drank milk since maybe, 1994? but I still ate cheese, I loved cheese. But in the past year my body really hasn't liked most animal products, I started to get very sick from dairy especially. So this September I decided to finally try to eat almost completely Vegan. This is one of the best choices I have ever made for myself.

Alix's Funeral

Today was a hard day. Not the worst day, but I did go to a funeral a few hours ago. The funeral was for a girl I knew named Alix Reese. She was one of the kindest people I have ever had the gift of interacting with. We weren't close friends, but I would consider her a friend, or a closer acquaintance. I first met her in 2004 or early 2005, she was a friend of my friends. I remember seeing her and thinking she was incredibly beautiful, and me, being stupid, assumed she was probably mean or stuck up. But within the first few minutes I interacted with her, I was dazzled. She was SO FUCKING COOL. She was into the same things as I was. She wasn't just some hipster.. (I hung out with a lot of scene kids and hipsters in my early to mid twenties, so it wouldn't have surprised me.) she was into Sci-Fi and D&D and comics and nerd crap just like me! She was incredibly sweet in our limited interaction. I forgot about her because I became a hermit and I never saw her. She probably didn't even remember meeting me.

Flash forward to 2010. I got a recommended link on Facebook from a few of my closer friends (when I used to use FB) It was called Prayers for Alix Reese. What happened was she was driving on the evening of May 27th 2010; taking friend to the friends house, or.. the friends boyfriends house maybe? Basically a gang shootout broke out and she got caught in the crossfire. She was in very bad shape, everyone was worried she would die. But she did not die. She was paralyzed, and had some other complications. She had to live in an assisted care center. I added her as a friend on Facebook and sent her a few messages even though I didn't really know her. We later followed each other on Instagram. I got to know her better after this.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? My thoughts:

A few days ago my husband and I were having breakfast and he asked me what I thought about the new Quentin Tarantino movie. I didn't know what he was talking about and he told me, "It's about 1969 Hollywood, the Manson murders and Sharon Tate is in it." My honest first reaction was feeling a little upset about the film being made. I have literally mixed feelings about Sharon Tate and the Manson murders being depicted in Hollywood. I really like Sharon Tate in Valley of the Dolls (a favorite book and film for me, guilty pleasures) Eye of the Devil and The Fearless Vampire Killers. I think she was good in these roles, and I think she might have gotten really big if she had not been killed. And if I may put my tinfoil hat on, I wonder how things would have turned out with Roman Polanski. I know Roman Polanski cheated on Sharon, but I still wonder... (He's probably just a sexual predator and nothing would have changed his path but...) I have done a ton of reading about Sharon Tate, and EVERYONE describes her as a beautiful person inside and out. It makes me so sad to think that a beautiful person will forever be remembered in such a terrible way. I feel like sometimes people just milk her story. I am not saying it shouldn't be talked about, I'm just saying we should be respectful rather than sensationalizing an innocent woman's death. Let's face it..sensational is a word I feel could be applied to most if not all Quentin Tarantino's films. So my first reaction was being sort of prickly about the film. But then...

I watched the trailer and it looked very interesting. As much as I try to feel self righteous about my feelings towards Sharon Tate, as well as the others at 10050 Ceilo Drive and the Labianca's and Gary Hinman and all the other victims there could be...I am one of the people who eats up everything about the Manson murders. It's fascinating, it leaves you wanting more. I have read many books about the Manson Family and their murders. I have a big interest in cults and that was my main interest in the Manson Family. I never found Charles Manson as interesting as his followers. Maybe it was because they were mostly young girls, and I related to them more. So here I am, feeling a pull between my sensitivity around the Manson murders, and a morbid curiosity and wanting to know everything there is to know about this case. So the whole movie is not completely about the Manson murders, it is more about 1969 Hollywood. This also made me feel a little more comfortable with the film, not completely..but more comfortable.

Finally Writing...

I have been holding off writing this for a few weeks. I decided to start this blog because one night I had insomnia, and I obsessed over how much I used to love Livejournal. Remember Livejournal? I like Tumblr a lot but; I wanted a space to write in and put my thoughts out into the universe. So after a period of weeks I am finally writing something here.

I am a girl, I have a husband I love so much...and I am a crazy cat lady. I have five cats: Ivan (black 14), Dick Sargent (tabby 10), Loki (black 7), Lillian Gish (tuxedo 6), and the baby Mozart (black 1.5). My husband and I met in high school, we have been married three years this autumn. My husband is a software engineer. I have two sisters who are married, and they each have one child, a boy and a girl. My husband has two brothers that are pretty much the same ages as my sisters. His middle brother has a wife, and they are having a baby this summer. My dad died in 2016 from a lung illness, my mom is still fine.

I love painting, writing, drawing, photography, reading, listening to, and making music and cooking. I will probably mostly talk about these things a lot on this blog. I'm obsessed with cinema, I like almost every genre, and I watch movies all the time. One of my favorite dates is going to the cinema with my husband. I obsessively collect media just like everyone these days. I watch a lot of YouTube as well, too much lol. I also LOVE video games, I am mostly into story- driven titles (*cough* Dragon Age *cough*) but I also play some MMO's.

There are some qualities- some incorporate things,

That have a double life, which thus is made

A type of that twin entity which springs

From matter and light, evinced in solid and shade.

There is a two-fold Silence- sea and shore-

Body and soul. One dwells in lonely places,

Newly with grass o'ergrown; some solemn graces,

Some human memories and tearful lore...